Sheldon and Penny are coming up the stairs carrying groceries. Sheldon tells her that another fun fact is that jet streams can affect the speed that the Earth spins on its axis – so bad weather can literally make a day longer. Penny says there must be a big storm out there somewhere.
Next floor. He tells her she may make jokes, but she’s going to miss all this time they spent together once Leonard’s back. And since he’s due back in a few days, this was the last time she had to take Sheldon to the grocery store. Penny admits she will miss this. Sheldon tells her that if any of his apples are mealy, she can take him back to the produce section for one last blow out – he’ll even let her push the cart.
Unfortunately, I can’t remember at all right now what they said once they got to the fourth floor. (They only did the opening scene one time.)
But then they go in their separate apartments, and Leonard’s inside Penny’s waiting to surprise her. He’s behind the door so she doesn’t see him at first, then he says something and she shrieks in surprise (and drops her groceries I think), and hugs him and they kiss. She says she thought he wasn’t due back until Sunday, and he says they finished early. He tells her to be quiet, because he didn’t tell Sheldon either, and this way they can have a few days alone together. Penny says that’s so romantic. Leonard’s like, sure, that’s why I did it. (Not in an agreeing way – in a he really had other reasons but he’ll go with that one way.)
Then Sheldon yells to Penny from through the door – it’s her lucky day, three of his eggs aren’t jumbo sized, they need to go back.
Sheldon asks Stuart if he can help him find something. Stuart says sure, unless it’s hope or a reason to live, cause he’s all out. (On later takes, they cut the second part of his line saying he’s all out.) In response, first Sheldon just called him a sad clown, then it was something like, “You make me laugh, sad clown.” It took a couple tries the first time they did this scene to get the timing right with the laughter from the audience, and once after they stopped we could hear Jim say, “I have no idea what’s going on.”
But Sheldon tells Stuart that Leonard will be back in a couple days, and he wants to get him a welcome home gift; since he’s been at sea, he was thinking a nautical theme. Stuart says he doesn’t know what Sheldon’s budget is, but he has this cool Aquaman figurine, and he shows it to him. Sheldon says that this isn’t a gag gift. Stuart’s all like, well this is actually pretty rare, so it’s probably better that I save it for a real collector who can appreciate it.
Sheldon says he’s a real collector, and asks how rare. Stuart says, no, no, I shouldn’t have shown it to you to start with – how about this Batman water gun? Sheldon says “don’t try to sell me something I don’t want,” and asks again about Aquaman.
Elsewhere in the store, Howard and Raj are looking through comics, and Howard says he can’t believe the whole Octavius in Spider-Man storyline. Raj says he’s liked it – you have all the adventure superhero stuff of Spider-Man, mixed with the fun of Freaky Friday – both versions, original plus Lohan. Howard imitates Raj, “Original plus Lohan,” including the accent.
Raj asks why he’s being mean. Howard says sorry, and that it’s probably the new diet he’s on. Raj asks why he’s on a diet. Howard says he’s put on a few pounds – this morning it took him 10 minutes to get into his pants, up from his regular 8. Later Howard’s line was changed to he’s put on a few pounds, “I had to buy these pants in the men’s section!” Raj says something like, “Well, we’ve seen your mother, the butterball had to come home to roost eventually.” (On the first take, after the “we’ve seen your mother,” the audience laughter lasted so long that Kunal eventually started smiling too.)
Back to Stuart and Sheldon – Sheldon says he’ll give him something like $1200 for Aquaman, that’s his final offer. Stuart fake-reluctantly agrees, then says Leonard will really love this. Sheldon’s all, oh, right!, a gift for Leonard! And tells Stuart he better throw in that Batman water gun too. Stuart holds it up and says, this is actually pretty rare as well, and Sheldon looks at it critically.
Leonard and Penny are sitting on her couch, and he’s showing her pictures on his camera, “This is me doing the Titanic pose on the boat. Oh, and this is them rescuing me when I fell off.”
There’s a knock at the door, and Leonard gives Penny money to pay the pizza guy. He says he’s going to hit the pipe – and explains that’s what them sea men say when they have to go pee pee. Penny opens the door, the pizza guy says it’s $22.50, and she hands him $25 and says to keep the change. He asks, really?, and says he just walked up like four flights of stairs. She digs around in a bowl by the door, gives him another 30 cents, and says he won’t tell his boss he smells like marijuana.
Sheldon comes up the stairs, carrying take out bags, and walks over saying, “oh, you ordered pizza,” then as he passes the pizza guy, comments that his cologne is rather earthy, “my uncle used to wear the same one.” He tells Penny he’d thought they could enjoy one last dinner together. Penny says she’d planned on just eating alone tonight. Sheldon says between her Italian pizza and his Chinese noodles, they could have a Marco Polo meal – and he clarifies the Venetian explorer, not the terrifying water game.
Penny says that sounds like fun, but no thanks, and starts to shut the door, but they hear her toilet flush. Sheldon asks surprised if she has company. She says no, her toilet just does that, she called management and they’re looking at it tomorrow. Sheldon walks in and sets down his food and says he can look at it for her, “I don’t mean to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.” Penny says, loudly for Leonard’s benefit, “No, that’s alright Sheldon, you don’t have to go in my bathroom.”
Then Sheldon notices the two wine glasses on Penny’s coffee table and asks about them. Penny says it’s because she has two hands, and a bit of a drinking problem. Sheldon accepts this, saying, “ask a stupid question.” He turns and sees take out boxes in Penny’s trash can, and comments that that’s odd. Penny says it was just her take out trash from last night’s dinner, what’s odd about that? Sheldon says that they’re in the trash can.
Penny assures him that there’s no one else in her apartment, but she’s had a long day, and she’d really just like the evening to herself. Sheldon says okay, he’s no stranger to solitude. On his way out, he asks Penny if she’s gotten Leonard a welcome home present yet. Penny says no, and Sheldon asks if she’d like to go halfsies on a $200 water gun. She just stares at him.
Jim flubbed one line near the end of the scene on the first time, then stopped and was all, no that’s not right, and there was an awwww from the audience. And Jim was all, don’t worry, it’s fine.
Howard and Bernadette’s apartment, she’s in the kitchen as he comes in the main door. She says she just made brownies and asks if he wants one. He’s upset as he says no, “Why would you ask that, you know I’m on a diet! I thought this marriage was supposed to be a partnership.” Bernadette tells him that he’s not fat. Howard says to tell that to his bathroom scale, because one of them is lying.
Bernadette gives up and asks him how was dinner with his mom. He says terrible, he had to put cream all over her again. Bernadette asks why his mom couldn’t do that herself, and he says something like “because we have a deeply unhealthy relationship,” still upset. Then he pulls an empty tube out of his pocket and asks Bernadette if she could get some more of it at work – it was supposed to last his mother a month, but they didn’t take into consideration the square footage of her back.
She looks at the tube, and asks concerned how long he’s been putting it on his mother. He says a few weeks. Bernadette says that it’s a very strong estrogen cream, and asks if he’s been wearing gloves. Howard looks at his hands, “Like these puffy sausages could fit into gloves.” She sits next to him on the couch and says that he’s been absorbing the estrogen through his skin, that’s why he’s been so bloated and moody and jerky recently. Howard says that she has lots of estrogen and doesn’t act like that. Bernadette says, “I’m a woman, I’ve had plenty of experience riding the dragon.” He tells her he’ll wear gloves next time, and she says it’ll still take a few weeks to go through his system.
Howard takes a couch pillow and hugs it in front of him, and says he feels so stupid and fat. Bernadette tells him he still looks great to her, and tries to kiss his neck, but be jerks away and says something like, “Seriously, sex? That’s always your answer to any problem!”
At the guys’ apartment, Sheldon and Amy are at the kitchen counter. She’s telling him how she came up with two different words for spoon – one for an empty spoon, and one for a spoon with food on it. He’s not looking at her, just glancing around the apartment, and she accuses him of not paying attention to her explain the language she made up. Sheldon says he is listening, and she asks then what some word means (I forgot what the word was). He guesses elephant, and she says dryly, “lucky guess.”
Sheldon tells her that he thinks Penny may be cheating on Leonard, and explains how earlier there was obviously someone else in her apartment, though she denied it. And between Leonard being gone, and Penny’s famously ravenous nether regions, it was the only answer. Amy says she doesn’t think Penny would ever cheat on Leonard. Sheldon tells her how once he and Penny had a staring contest, and she clapped really loud to make him blink, “That’s cheating.” Then his line was changed to something like saying how she clapped, and it’s a small step from there to sexual promiscuity. Amy’s still not buying it, so Sheldon says how Penny had take out containers in the trash can. This convinces Amy, who says sadly, “Poor Leonard.”
Cut to outside of Penny’s apartment, Sheldon listening with his ear to the door, Amy’s head right next to his. Amy asks if he can hear anything, he says a woman’s voice. Amy asks if it’s Penny’s, Sheldon says no, it’s hers. Amy stands and takes a step away. Sheldon says now it sounds like they’re kissing. Amy says, sure, like you know what kissing sounds like. Sheldon says, “There was kissing in Star Wars, Miss Smarty Pants.” Amy makes him move so she can listen at the door, and says it sounds like it’s Leonard inside. Sheldon says no, if Leonard was back, why would he be wasting his time kissing Penny when he could be with Sheldon instead?
Sheldon decides to catch Penny in the act, and unlocks her door. Amy tells him no, but he opens the door and yells AH-HA!, and Leonard jumps up and away from Penny on the couch. Penny’s all, “What the hell, Sheldon! You can’t just come barging in here!” Sheldon says she’s right, and makes Amy leave with him, then pounds on the door yelling Penny’s name (his regular three times). When he finishes there are a few seconds, then he asks, “Are you going to let me in, or should I open the door and yell ah-ha again?”
Right after, still at Penny’s, Leonard is telling Sheldon he’s sorry. Sheldon says no, he’s the one who should be sorry, apparently he didn’t realize how much of a burden their friendship was to Leonard. Leonard says that’s not fair, he complains about it being a burden at least once a month. Sheldon tells him not to sugar coat it – Leonard thinks he’s something, pedantic, and annoying. Penny tries to interfere and says no he doesn’t, but Leonard told her he’s actually used those exact words, in that same order.
Sheldon says it’s time to address the elephant in the room, but instead of the word elephant, he uses whatever the word was from Amy’s language. Leonard’s confused, so Sheldon turns to Amy to explain, but she says to leave her out of it and goes to sit by Penny.
Sheldon tells Leonard he doesn’t need to pretend to like him anymore. Leonard tries to apologize again, but Sheldon cuts him off and says “save that for your disappointing coitus with Penny.” Amy looks at Penny, and Penny quietly tells her it was all right. Leonard tells Sheldon that be brought him something, and grabs a small bag to give to him – it’s the sailor hat that Sheldon wanted. Sheldon asks Leonard if he really thought he could buy him back with a cheap souvenir. Leonard says no, of course not, but tells him to just put it on anyway. Sheldon does, and the other three all quickly nod their approval, Amy with a “hello sailor!”
Sheldon tells them to wait a moment, and goes to Penny’s bathroom to look at himself in the mirror. He comes back and says, “This changes nothing, except my Halloween costume for this year.” And he goes to leave, but then tells Amy that she’ll be Olive Oyl, so she needs to lay off the donuts.
Howard lets Raj into his apartment and thanks him for coming over. Raj sees that Howard has a little display of mini sandwiches out, and Howard’s explaining all the different kinds, “And don’t tell my hips, but there’s a brie in the oven.” They sit and Raj asks what Howard needed to talk about, and Howard says he’s been doing a lot of reading on the effects of estrogen, and he needs Raj’s complete honesty about something. Then he lifts his shirt and asks if his boobs are bigger.
Raj looks and considers, and says it’s hard to tell. He tells Howard to jump up and down to see if they jiggle. So Howard does, but Raj still can’t decide. Raj then tells him to try this – and he holds his arms out and moves his own chest back and forth in a quick side to side movement. Howard doesn’t want to, but Raj basically asks, do you want my help or not? So Howard pulls the front of his shirt up and over his head (so his arms are still through the arm holes, but the rest of the material his behind his neck, and does the side to side stuff. Raj decides that they are jiggling a little, but says his might do the same.
So Raj stands and pulls his shirt over his head like Howard, and does the same thing. (On one take they both ended up smiling, and Simon just kept motioning for Kunal to keep going. They ended up managing to do the rest of the scene after that, but I’m really hoping that middle bit will end up on the blooper reel.) They decide yeah, Raj’s jiggled too.
Raj wants to try something, so he reaches to touch Howard’s chest, but Howard flinches and says they’re sensitive. So Raj rubs his hands together and breathes on them to warm them up, then reaches with one hand to grab half of Howard’s chest, and puts his other hand over his own chest. At this point Bernadette walks in behind them, and is just staring in disbelief at them. Howard reaches out for the free side of Raj’s chest, and then puts his own hand on his chest, and they just stand like that and squeeze and compare.
Howard finally says he’s definitely gone up a full cup size. Raj tells him that they’re firm though, he has that going for him. Howard asks, really? Raj says yes, they’re very perky. Howard says thanks, he really needed to hear that today. Bernadette sighs and turns around and leaves. The oven goes off, and the guys hurry over excited for the brie.
This scene was also just done once, so I know there are little bits I’m missing… Next morning at the guys’ apartment. Leonard asks Sheldon if he’s driving him to work or not. Sheldon says he would like a drive to work, if that’s actually where Leonard will take him. Leonard asks where else he’d go. Sheldon says he doesn’t know, but Leonard said he’d be home on Sunday and that wasn’t true. He might take him to an abandoned amusement park, or some back alley.
Leonard’s annoyed and says he’s going to work, and Sheldon can come if he wants to. Sheldon ends up going, but in the hallway says something about not being sure if he can trust anything Leonard says anymore, and Leonard says to himself something like, “The boat sunk and I’m in hell.”
Down on the third floor, Sheldon says that Leonard said he was from New Jersey, but how does Sheldon know if that’s actually true? Leonard asks why anyone would lie about being from New Jersey. Sheldon says he’ll give him that one.
I can’t remember now what was said on the second floor. But by the time they get to the first floor, Leonard’s mad and said he’s not driving Sheldon to work after all because he’s too annoying. Sheldon says that Leonard says one thing but does another, so in this case he IS driving Sheldon to work, because he’s delightful. Leonard walks out and says bye, and Sheldon calls out hi after him. Then Sheldon goes to look out the door after him, and yells that he’s actually holding up his four other fingers.
Back on the fourth floor, Penny’s leaving her apartment to go to work as Amy’s coming up the stairs. Penny asks what Amy’s doing there so early, and Amy says picking up Sheldon to take him to work. Penny asks, Sheldon’s still mad at Leonard? Amy says Sheldon is mad at Penny too, he says she’s the honey trap that lured Leonard away. First Penny said that Sheldon sounded like her first boyfriend’s wife. Then her line was change to he sounded like her prom date’s wife.
Then (after quite a long break), it was changed to Amy telling Penny Sheldon said she was the succubus that lured Leonard away. Penny says she doesn’t know what that is, but it has suck in it, so that can’t be good. (Kaley and Mayim both ended up smiling after that on the first time they did it with the new line.)
Sheldon comes out and says he thought he heard their voices. Penny says “hey Sheldon,” but he says she doesn’t get a hey, she just gets a hmmm. Penny tells him come on, remember all the great times we had these past few months? Sheldon says yes, and that makes her betrayal all the worse. He says he let her use his club card for feminine hygiene products, “do you know how many useless coupons I’ll get now?”
Amy tries to defend Penny saying she didn’t do anything, but Sheldon cuts her off, and says “The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy.” He tells her she’s either with him or against him. Amy asks if he wants to take the bus. Sheldon says maybe there’s a third side. They all start to head down the stairs, and Amy tells him, “FYI, I had a donut for breakfast, you jerk.”
Leonard, Raj, and Howard at a cafeteria table. Leonard’s telling them how some numbers from the boat still need to be crunched, but so far it’s looking pretty positive. Howard says that’s great, and something about proving some sort of radiation (?), then snaps at Raj (who’d been zoning out looking at Howard’s chest), “hey, my eyes are up here!”
Sheldon comes to sit at their table, and asks who’d like some warm chocolate chip cookies. He gives one to Howard and Raj, but for Leonard he just has two peas that ended up with his tater tots. Leonard tells Sheldon to stop acting childish. Sheldon says that Leonard’s acting childish, he won’t eat his peas. Leonard stands and says he doesn’t want to see Sheldon’s stupid face anymore. Sheldon says if he doesn’t like stupid faces, then Leonard shouldn’t look in a mirror, because then he’ll see his own stupid face, “I’m explaining the joke because your face is stupid.”
On the second take, Sheldon just greets them, Raj, Howard, Judas. Leonard stands and says he’s done with Sheldon’s stupid face. Sheldon suggests he not look in a mirror, or commission an oil painting then. On the third take, it was done the same, except Sheldon called him Beelzebub instead of Judas.
Then it was changed back to Judas, but Leonard stays in his seat instead of standing to leave, and I think calls Sheldon childish. They start to bicker, but Howard interrupts (very emotional) telling them to stop. He says they’re not just friends, they best friends, and that’s beautiful. He tells Leonard the reason Sheldon was so upset is because he missed him so much. And he tells Sheldon that he should be happy that Leonard has found love in his life, “like I have.” Howard motions to Raj and says that he touched his breast last night. Raj tells him he’s being a little loud. Howard continues that they need to put aside their petty differences and just be happy with this time they have together. Leonard and Sheldon both mutter agreements.
Raj then announces that it was nothing weird last night – he was just checking how large they were.
The whole group is eating at the guys’ apartment. Sheldon is listing all of the places Leonard took him, and ends with the Los Angeles County Department of Weights and Measures. Leonard says he thought the measures were going to be the real show stopper, but it was the Weights. Penny says she’s glad they’re all friends again. Sheldon says that reminds him, and hands her a coupon for 50 cents off Vagisil, “think of me when you apply it.”
Raj says that he’s missed all of them hanging out like this. Leonard asks, surprised, since when can Raj talk in front of the women without being drunk? They say since right after Leonard left, and he asks, and nobody told me? Howard nearly starts to cry, “I can’t believe we didn’t tell Leonard!” and Penny hands him the coupon and says to think of Sheldon when he uses it.
A bit of fun stuff – during the long break before the writers came up with the succubus line, Kaley and Mayim and Jim were just hanging around in the hallway, and at one point “Some Nights” started playing, and Kaley and Mayim were both getting pretty into singing it. Kaley just stood in one place, while Mayim was wandering around, and singing parts of it directed towards Jim.
Then a bit later, there wasn’t music playing because Mark was doing one of his bits with the audience, but Kaley was trying to get the DJ’s attention, and was motioning for him to play Call Me Maybe. He finally put it on, and Kaley got excited and said something about a dance off, and then she and Mayim started doing all the dance moves from the flashmob.
Once that scene was finally done, Kaley climbed up on the rail to say hi to the audience, and said something about how she didn’t know where Johnny was, and she’s never done this alone before. She was looking around for him, and finally spotted him on his way, and was like, “come on buddy!” and told him to run. When he finally got there and climbed up, she was trying to ask him what he thought of the new line – “Did you like succubus? Did you like it?” Johnny assured the audience that no one was going to be twerking, then said he actually hadn’t known what that was, and had to look it up online the other morning. Kaley pointed straight ahead to her mom, and was like, “You know what it is!” Other than that, it was their basic thanking the audience, and recognizing the crew for all their hard work.