SPOILER ALERT. Following is the taping report for "The Rothman Disintegration." Please credit me if you share this information anywhere.
SCENE 1 (pre-taped)
The guys are walking down a hallway at the university. Raj says that was a nice retirement party. Howard says it’s too bad the university had to force Professor Rothman to step down. Leonard says they didn’t have a choice, he just snapped, and it happens to theoretical physicists. They look at Sheldon (who’s not paying attention to their conversation, but looking at the shrimp on the plate he’s carrying), and Howard wonders how much time Sheldon has left. Sheldon comments that all his shrimp are the same size, and there’s no logical order to eat them in. Leonard tells Howard, probably not long.
They stop in front of a door, and one of them sadly says that’s Rothman’s old office. They stand there and look at the door for a moment, then Sheldon calls dibs and goes in. The others follow him, but they find Kripke inside, measuring the window. Sheldon asks him what he’s doing, and Kripke says he’s measuring his new office for drapes. Sheldon says that the offices are assigned, and the university hasn’t assigned Rothman’s yet to anyone. Kripke says he called dibs at the Christmas party, when Rothman acted like he was having sex with the Toys for Tots collection bin.
Sheldon says that you can’t just call dibs for an office. Leonard says that Sheldon just did, and Sheldon tells him to shut it. Sheldon tells Kripke that the university assigns offices based on seniority, and Sheldon has more seniority than Kripke. Kripke says that Sheldon may have gotten to the university first, but he got to the office first.
Then Rothman walks in, wearing nothing, carrying his coat. He greets the guys, picks up his hat and puts it on, then walks out. Raj watches him leave through the door, and says that he’s glad men are wearing hats again, it’s distinguished.
Penny’s apartment, there’s a knock at her door, she opens to find Amy there. Amy says she got her a little something, then starts to drag in a large, flat wrapped package. Penny says it’s huge. Amy says what’s huge is what Penny’s done for her. Penny says she hasn’t done anything. Amy says she used to be a mousy wallflower, and now she’s a downtown hipster party girl with a posse, boyfriend, and a lacy bra that hooks in the front.
Penny opens it to find a large painting of her and Amy - Amy’s got her arm around Penny’s shoulders in it, and they’re both smiling. Penny says something like, “Wow, I don’t know what to s- wow.” Amy asks if she likes it. “Do I like it? Wow.” Amy asks where she’ll hang it. “Hang it? Wow. I need a hook, and a nail, and a hammer.” Amy holds up a hammer. “Oh, you’ve got a hammer. Wow.”
On the second take, when Mayim carried the painting in and set it against the front of the couch, it wasn’t steady and started to fall. Kaley screamed/squealed, then later said something like she panicked.
President Siebert enters a bathroom at the university and goes up to one of the urinals. Sheldon opens the door, calls behind him to Kripke that he found Siebert, and they both follow him in. Sheldon says that they need a moment to talk to him. Siebert asks if it can be later, he’s a little busy right now. Kripke steps closer to touch Siebert’s shoulders, and apologizes for Sheldon, saying he has no concept of personal space. It might have been here that Siebert asked again if this could be done later, cause he was holding his penis in his hands… But it might have been somewhere else in the scene. (And I’m not entirely sure if that line was kept in the later takes.)
Kripke asks Siebert to tell Sheldon that the office is rightfully Kripke’s. Siebert says this sounds like something for their department head to decide. Sheldon says they tried, but his assistant told them he wasn’t there, though they heard his office window open and close. Siebert tells them he’s trying to complete a task at the moment, but is having difficulty getting started. Sheldon says, not to sound like an alarmist, but difficulty producing a urine stream could be a sign of benign testicular something. Sheldon says he’ll forward a youtube video with instructions to give yourself a prostrate exam - tip, trim your nails. Kripke says he’s sure a man of Siebert’s young age has a perfectly healthy prostrate. Sheldon says that Kripke’s just trying to butter him up - though butter is a good lubricant while giving yourself the exam.
Siebert gives up at the urinal, and turns to face them saying that he’s going to let them work out who gets the office, because A, they’re both brilliant scientists, and B, he doesn’t give a furry crack of a rat’s behind who gets it.
Siebert walks towards the door to leave, but on the first take Sheldon stopped him and asked if he was forgetting something, and motioned towards the sinks. Siebert says he didn’t pee, he doesn’t need to wash his hands. Sheldon says, “You were holding your penis in your hands, you told me.” So Siebert gives in and goes to wash his hands.
On the second take, Siebert just leaves. Kripke says while they’re there, they might as well take a leak, and walks up to use the urinal on the far right. Sheldon tells him “you’re in my spot,” and Kripke sort of dropped his head in disbelief.
The last take was the same as the second, except after “you’re in my spot,” Kripke shuffles over to the next urinal.
Back at Penny’s, the painting is now hanging to the right of her door. Penny and Bernadette are standing staring at it. Penny sighs. Bernadette says, “It’s big.” Penny says, “So big.” “And ugly.” “So ugly.” Penny asks what she’s going to go. Bernadette says she can’t take it down, it’ll break Amy’s heart, “Look at her face. That big, crazy, unnerving face.” Penny asks, “Do you think maybe I’ll grow to like it?” Bernadette asks, “Do you like pictures where you look like a man?”
Penny says that’s it, she has to take it down. Bernadette asks what she’ll tell Amy. Penny says she can tell her that it made Bernadette jealous. Bernadette says no way, Amy might get her one! She already has a picture of her and Howard’s mom getting cornrows at Venice Beach, she’s suffered enough. Penny says maybe she could take it down, and only put it up when Amy comes over, but it’s kind of heavy. Bernadette says too bad she doesn’t have the muscles the guy in the painting does.
Melissa and Kaley both started laughing at the end of the first take, and then there were a couple line flubs that made them laugh too. It just seemed like they were both very amused by the painting.
The guys are all at Leonard and Sheldon’s. Raj says that he paid $25 to a kid on eBay for a hand carved Harry Potter wand, and he sent him a stick. He holds it up, and says he just walked into his backyard and picked up a stick. Howard takes a look, and points out that it’s numbered. Raj looks too, and then happily says it’s limited edition.
The doorbell rings and Sheldon goes to answer, saying it’s Kripke. Leonard asks why Kripke’s coming over. Sheldon says they’re going to settle the office problem like gentlemen. Or if that fails, Sheldon will poison his tea.
Sheldon opens the door. “Cooper.” “Kripke.” Kripke walks in, and Sheldon asks him if he’d like some tea. Kripke asks if it looks like he’s wearing a summer frock - no, he doesn’t want tea. Sheldon says that in the interest of preserving their friendship - Kripke cuts in that they’re not friends. Sheldon says that’s hard to hear. Sheldon continues that the essence of democracy is compromise, so with that in mind, he suggests that he takes the office, and Kripke finds a way to be okay with it.
On the first take, Kripke says how about HE takes the office, and he doesn’t care if Sheldon’s okay with it or not. On the second take, Kripke says he’ll take the office, and Sheldon can such a lemon. Sheldon looks at the others, and says, “see what I have to deal with?” On the third take, Kripke kept the lemon line, but in response Sheldon does his short little laugh, then asks Kripke if he’s sure he doesn’t want that tea.
Raj suggests that they settle this with rock-paper-scissors-lizard-spock. Kripke doesn’t know what that is. Sheldon explains that it was created by internet sensation Sam Kass, as an improvement to rock-paper-scissors, “all hail Sam Kass.” And Leonard, Raj, and Howard reluctantly say “hail” as they raise their arms.
Sheldon goes through and explains the rules (unlike The Lizard-Spock Expansion, Jim didn’t have any problems running through it this time! He got lots of cheers). Kripke says he didn’t get all that, and asks if Sheldon could do it again. Sheldon says sure, and runs through it again, slightly faster. Kripke says he’s almost got it, one more time. Sheldon starts, but Howard stops him, and says Kripke’s just screwing with him.
Sheldon says well, in that case they appear to have reached an impasse, and he challenges Kripke to a duel - “I’d slap you with a glove, but last week I packed my winter clothes.” Howard says it’s the twenty-first century, you can’t challenge someone to a duel - but Leonard interrupts and tells Howard to hold on, then asks Kripke how good a shot he is. Sheldon says not with pistols, a duel of intellect, a trivia challenge. He says Kripke can choose the topic - Star Trek Original Series, Star Trek Next Generation, Star Trek Voyager, Star Trek Enterprise, or model trains. (On the first take, Jim forgot one of the Star Treks, and there was this sort of gasp from the audience - like, “oh, Jim doesn’t know Star Trek!” - but Jim said something like, “Oh, be quiet, it’s fine.”)
Kripke says a trivia contest wouldn’t be fair, because Sheldon has an eidetic memory, and he hasn’t watched Star Trek since he discovered the strip bar near his house has a free buffet. Leonard says that it will be hard to find something that they’re equally good at. Raj asks if there’s something they’re equally bad at. They both answer, at the same time, sports.
The girls are at Penny’s, watching the ending to Grease. Amy says that’s such a good movie. Penny says she can’t believe Amy never saw Grease. Amy says her mother was afraid that it would encourage her to join a gang.
Bernadette says it’s getting late, she better go. They’re testing a new steroid at the lab that supposedly doesn’t shrink testicles, and the last one there has to measure. Amy says she should get going too. She stands and says, “Goodnight Painting Penny. Goodnight Real Penny.” Penny says, “Goodnight Real Amy.” Amy tells her she doesn’t need to say goodnight to Painting Amy, because she’s never leaving. Amy leaves, and then as Bernadette leaves she says, “Goodnight real Penny. Goodnight Transvestite Penny.”
Penny closes the door behind them, then takes the painting down and carries it and sets it behind her couch. On the first take, Penny said it’s off the wall, and we won’t see you again until Amy comes over, or in my nightmares. Then it was changed to, out of sight, out of mind… yeah, right. (Kaley had some trouble on at least a couple takes carrying and maneuvering the painting, since it’s so large.)
Then Amy suddenly comes back in, asking if she can borrow the movie, those singing hooligans got her motor running. Penny grabs it and says sure, here, take it, get it back to me whenever, or just keep it, my little gift to you (on the first take Penny said something different, pointing out things about the movie, but all I remember was “with the world’s oldest high school student”). She tries to push Amy back out the door, but Amy notices the painting is missing, and asks where it is.
Penny tells her it’s behind the couch. Amy asks how it got there. “It fell.” “From the wall to behind the couch?” “It rolled.” Then it was changed, to after Amy asking how it got there, Penny says, “I don’t know, that’s weird!” Amy says Penny hates it. Penny tries to say no, but Amy walks in to grab the painting, and says she feels humiliated. Penny tells to stop, and help her hang it again, but Amy says she doesn’t want her pity. As Amy carries it into the hall, she say she’s just glad she didn’t go for the sculpture.
SCENE 7 (pre-taped)
All the guys and Kripke are at the gym at the university, at a basketball court. Leonard tells Sheldon and Kripke that the first one to five will get the office. Sheldon asks five what? Leonard says five balls through the basket. He tosses the basketball towards them, but they both duck out of the way.
Then there’s a series of shots of them attempting to play basketball. Sheldon dribbling it towards the hoop, then shoots, but ends up launching it off into the corner. Kripke says he doesn’t think that’s right. Then Kripke’s dribbling, with his head down watching the ball, and runs into the wall. He says he ran out of space, and then needs to stop and catch his breath. Leonard says to Howard, “Remember all those things bullies did to us in school? I get it now.” Sheldon and Kripke chase the ball as it rolls one way across the court, then chase it as it rolls the other way. Kripke throws it and hits Sheldon in the back. Sheldon turns and says Kripke did that on purpose, but Leonard says no he didn’t, no one is doing any of this on purpose.
Leonard says that this isn’t working, so they’ll simplify things - a free throw contest, the first person to make a basket wins. Kripke says he’s making this too easy. Leonard says no, he’s really not. Sheldon’s up first, and tells himself to use the force… Then when he shoots, the ball doesn’t go high enough to be anywhere near the basket. He says he’s going to need more force. When Kripke tries, he does a granny shot, but it goes straight up, and doesn’t come down. He asks if he can get the office for that. Sheldon jumps up and down on a trampoline and shoots the ball, but it bounces off the backboard and comes straight back at him, and he jumps off out of the way. Kripke tries running and jumping off the trampoline towards the basket, but of course fails at that too.
Cut to Leonard saying that it’s been 45 minutes, it’s not funny anymore, and they need to try something else. They decide that they’ll both bounce a basketball, and whoever can get it to go the highest wins the office. Kripke says something like prepare to be humiliated, and Sheldon tells him that he’s been bouncing balls all of his life. Leonard tells them enough trash talk. They each throw down their ball, Sheldon’s goes higher, so he wins.
Penny goes to see Amy at her apartment. Penny tells her she came to apologize, but Amy says she doesn’t want to hear it. Amy says she sat through the whole movie thinking that Penny liked it, she was a fool from Summer Loving to the last Ramalamadingdong. Penny says Amy’s right, she should have told her from the start that it was too big. Amy says too big, like their lopsided friendship, clearly Penny doesn’t care about her as much as she does for Penny.
Penny says she doesn’t think you can put a number on how much a person likes another. Amy says the painting is 12 square feet, there’s a number. Or, if she wants it in dollars, it set her back thee grand. Penny’s shocked at the price, and says “oh my god-” but then focuses again, and tells Amy that all she knows is she likes Amy as a friend, and doesn’t want to lose her from her life. Amy says she’s having trouble believing that.
Penny’s silent for a moment, then tells Amy to grab that hammer - but Amy says it’s too late, the damage is done. Penny says look, she didn’t want to say this, but the real reason she took down the painting is it made Bernadette jealous. Amy says of course, why didn’t she see that? It’s a clear reminder that out of the tree of them, Bernadette is the least cool.
Amy tells Penny she can’t hang that painting, and Penny says, I know! But then Amy says unless she gets Bernadette one of the two of them for a wedding present. She asks Penny if she wants to go halfsies on the painting. Penny says no, she’s getting them a cheese board.
Then it was changed to after the last cool line, Amy tells Penny she has such a big heart. Penny says she tries. Then Amy grabs the painting and starts to carry it out, and tells Penny to come on, lets go put it back up. Penny asks what about Bernadette? Amy says screw her, she’s lucky they let her hang out with them.
SCENE 9 (pre-taped)
Sheldon and Raj are carrying boxes of Sheldon’s things into his new office. Raj says he’s happy for Sheldon, but he’s going to miss sharing an office with him. Sheldon tells him he can visit, but call first.
Raj leaves, and Sheldon closes the door, to find Rothman standing behind the door, naked, reading something. Sheldon tells him that his isn’t his office anymore, he’s retired. Rothman says, “I think the word you’re looking for is invisible.”
Sheldon’s working in his new office when the air conditioner turns on. He grabs a piece of paper and stands to try to tape it over the vent, but the air’s so strong the tape blows away. Leonard, Howard, and Raj come in, and Leonard asks what he’s doing. Sheldon says he’s trying to lower the temperature of his office before his nipples tear through his shirt.
Howard asks why doesn’t he adjust the thermostat. Sheldon says it turns out his thermostat is located in the office next door, where Professor Davenport is going through the hot flashes of menopause. Leonard asks why there’s a hole in the wall (down near the floor). Sheldon says he’s come to two conclusions. One, there was something inside the hole that someone on this side of the wall wanted. Two, more disturbing, there was something inside the hole that wanted out.
Raj says at least he finally has a window. Sheldon asks, really?, and tells him to listen. Raj does, and hears wind chimes. He asks, you don’t like wind chimes? On the first take, Sheldon says of course he does, a man who’s tired of wind chimes is tired of life, but keep listening. On the second take, Sheldon says no, but it gets worse. They listen a little longer, and hear a bird.
Sheldon says that the bird is out of tune. Raj asks, so? Sheldon says that it’s a mockingbird, and mockingbirds can change their tune - it’s out of tune on purpose, it’s mocking him. Then Sheldon asks, do you feel that? Howard asks, the growing realization that you’re a crazy bastard? Sheldon says that the geology department is right above them, running their sieve machine. He yells up that if they want to roll some rocks around, they should shake their heads.
Leonard says something to Sheldon about calming down, I think, but Sheldon says that his nerves are stretched tight like a harp, and they’re all being plucked, by the wind, holes, bird, and the low hanging testicles from the hard-to-evict Processor Rothman. Leonard asks why doesn’t Sheldon just let Kripke have the office. Sheldon asks, “And let him win? Do I look crazy?” Then he yells up to the geologists upstairs, “We’re trying to think down here!” Then out the window to the bird, “And you - the notes are G, D, A, E - get it right or I’ll cut down the tree!”
Penny and Amy in her apartment - Penny’s hanging the picture again. Amy tells her a little more, a little more, perfect. (She’s hanging the painting on the “fourth wall,” the one we’re essentially looking through as the audience. Rather than showing Penny actually hang the painting, they had Kaley stand close to the camera with her arms out like she’s holding it, so it’s like we’re looking through the painting at her hanging it, with Amy standing in the background. As Penny “adjusted” the painting, the camera moved.)
Penny steps back to stand next to Amy and look at the painting. Amy puts her arm over Penny’s shoulders and says, I’ll let you in on a little secret - originally they were painted naked, but Amy had them add clothes, because she didn’t think they needed the extra challenge to their heterosexuality. Penny says good, good. Amy says if Penny ever changes her mind, all it takes is some warm, soapy water, and sponges. Penny asks, you’re talking about the painting, right? Amy says sure.
Leonard’s walking down the hallway at the university, and hears Sheldon calling, “Help! Somebody, help!” He enters Sheldon’s new office, to find Sheldon crouched on the floor, his head in the hole. Leonard asks what happened. Sheldon says he was looking to see what was inside the hole, but his head got stuck. Leonar asks why he’d do something like that. Sheldon says scientific curiosity, then tells Leonard to get him some butter.
On the first take, Leonard said he’ll be right back, then left. After a moment, Sheldon says, oh, hello. “You must be who made the hole. Good possum.”
On the second take, Leonard said he’ll be right back, but instead just sits down on one of the chairs in Sheldon’s office and pulls out his notebook, settling in to do some work.
On the last take, after saying he’ll be right back, Leonard takes out his phone and takes a picture, then sits down with it.